Release

My husband and I did a second round of IVF and became pregnant in November. Everything was going well until we went to our 14th week check up. The Ultrasound showed the intestines outside of the body and too much fluid in the sac. So then the following day, I went for a high power special US and it there was no heart beat.
Then on my 35th b-day I was given pills to induce labor. Then the next day, I was admitted and gave birth to baby Angel.
I week later she was buried in the Central Friedhof cemetery. We released white balloons like releasing our babies into heaven.
Through it all, God showed his grace and mercy to me. He took her home and she had a trisomal 13 and 18 disorder and had no chance of making it. I prayed 4 months prior for God to take my head knowledge to my heart and he did. I felt his hand and presence the whole time. He has given me peace and a renewed faith that makes this hard experience and suffering worth it.

Missed Memories

230am. I woke up and he is still gone.
I miss him so much. I said a prayer to him and hoped to fall back asleep but all I could do was think about every little thing. Holding him the hospital, the way he ate, the way he slept on my chest. And how I am never going to get to feel his little body again.
When they brought him to us in the hospital. Holding him was such a comfort because when I put his hand in mine he felt alive. I was just waiting for him to wake up. By the time we said goodbye his little fingers were stiff and ice cold.
Now all I can think about is every memory I didn't get the chance to make with him. His first smile and laugh, learning to walk, eating his first foods. I came outside because it makes me feel closer to him. Like there is one less thing between us. I still miss him just as much though. The pain I am feeling is unfair and it hurts so much.
Libby, Missouri, US

My story

Amid the rush of lives are many who suffer in silence. These are the women and men who have lost infant children. As a 'survivor' myself, I have struggled with shame, and for many years would not share or tell my story because I would receive pity, and I felt I would be viewed differently. The pain of the circumstances surrounding my loss was intertwined with a great emotional turmoil of parental disappointment and the rejection and ultimate abandonment by my spouse.
The year was 1977 and in my 8th month of pregnancy I developed Toxemia. After 36 hours of labor, I was given gas and was unconscious for the delivery. Matthew Alan was taken with forceps and soon he was critically ill. Suddenly without being able to see my son, he was taken to a nearby hospital equipped with intensive care for babies. Within a day and a half my son was gone, having died of Hyaline Membrane Disease or respiratory distress syndrome. This is the same condition that took the life of President & Mrs. Kennedy's son in 1963. It is a disease that medical science has corrected today.
Psychologists tell us that the best way of dealing with this type of grief is to talk. After 30 years my silence is now broken. Today, I continue to feel uncomfortable with pity from others as I begin to freely tell my story. But I feel I must tell the story of a boy who will never: walk for the first time, talk about his school day, drive his first car or bear his own son. My only glimpse of this dark headed child was of him lying in a casket. Though I never held him, he will always remain in my heart until one day we meet in heaven.
Peggy W

Fruit for thought

"Our society has perpetrated a fraud. We are led to believe that the last thing bereaved parents would want to do is talk about the death of their child. The complete reverse is true."

"It is also hoped that their experiences in living with the loss of a child will serve to enlighten all those seeking to provide consolation to bereaved families"

From the book: "Recovering from the Loss of a Child" by Katherine Fair Donnelly